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~Ken Lee or Without you by Mariah Carey (ENGLISH SUBTITLES)~

KEN LEE - IMPROVED ENGLISH-

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Artificial Respiration

While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.
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"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"
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But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.
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"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."
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"Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
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The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
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"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Most Stupid Man On Earth

There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
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The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
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The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
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A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help." No, God will save me!" he said.
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Eventually he died by drowning.
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He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
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God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

No Ears

A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
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The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
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This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
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3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?" .
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3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

Well Hidden Blonde

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.
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So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave. So they go out the back door and they see this barn.
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They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor. See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around. They go into the barn and look everywhere.
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One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.
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He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.
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Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

Shark Challenge

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
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So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
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In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
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The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
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The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

Monday, August 6, 2007

LAWYERS...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
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After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
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But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
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"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
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The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Good lawyer VS Bad lawyer

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
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A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

10 years...

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.
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At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
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His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

New client

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer,
"And what's your third question?"
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Doctor and Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
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"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
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On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

Vacuum Cleaner

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.
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"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.
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The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."
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"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!"

Sales Demo

When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
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"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.
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"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
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When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision."Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
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The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
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The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."

Genie in the bottle

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared."I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
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The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
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"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
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"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Just One Sale

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. At the end of his first day on the job his boss fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
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"One," said the young salesman.
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"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
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"100,000 dollars," said the young man.
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"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
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"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
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The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
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"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

New Sales Assistant

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
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Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.
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After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."
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Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
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Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

Insurance Agents

Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
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The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
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The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
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The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

Physicist, Biologist and Chemist

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
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The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
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The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
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The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

Psychologist and the patient

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.
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"What is this a picture of?" he asks.The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
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The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
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The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
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The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
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"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

Talking Centipede

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."
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The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50.
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Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
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On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
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An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing.
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Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
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An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
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The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Good Luck

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
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Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.
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He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
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His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"
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He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

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