tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47477042547505869642024-03-05T17:04:17.084-08:00Heaven Of Jokesa place where jokerz meet laughter...Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.comBlogger283125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-71156391186034052942012-01-31T23:41:00.002-08:002012-01-31T23:52:50.638-08:00UFOWhat do you call a deeply burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?<br />UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-10632744491299420582012-01-31T23:41:00.001-08:002012-01-31T23:41:46.441-08:00The wife is not speaking to me<span style="font-family:times new roman,helvetica;">One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.<br /><br /> "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.<br /><br /> "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."<br /><br /> The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.<br /><br /> "Yeah, except today is the last night." </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-49936385145193960532012-01-31T01:14:00.001-08:002012-01-31T01:14:59.018-08:00DORAEMON<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZwU7x6CAHNtIjFfJ-tjiI5xieVWRpwTD1HJJlGNnzhj7NYOuJiHAmnUFcHJPbSqUcNxMXFBcsbPnf6NJcCAEClRa4QBWs3fbrqgOS0HEcgkBuPe-ZGlTbo2sfIwNofEwv67sj_5hDNcU/s1600/ad_doraemon.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 914px; height: 345px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZwU7x6CAHNtIjFfJ-tjiI5xieVWRpwTD1HJJlGNnzhj7NYOuJiHAmnUFcHJPbSqUcNxMXFBcsbPnf6NJcCAEClRa4QBWs3fbrqgOS0HEcgkBuPe-ZGlTbo2sfIwNofEwv67sj_5hDNcU/s1600/ad_doraemon.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-14732343463606752162010-03-09T17:45:00.000-08:002010-03-09T17:47:56.653-08:00How to Tell You're in a Lot of Trouble...<a href="http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/amazingbill.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 439px" alt="" src="http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/amazingbill.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-68199751235391626732009-06-20T11:18:00.000-07:002009-06-20T11:19:54.261-07:00Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom<span class="introText">A dentist, an electrician, and </span> a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.<br /><br />"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.<br /><br />"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.<br /><br />"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."<br /><br />The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-61250145163810640502009-06-20T11:16:00.000-07:002009-06-20T11:17:34.013-07:00Let the Trucker Sleep<span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.<br /><br /> "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. <br /><br />"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.<br /><br />"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.<br /><br /> But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger. </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-50434124682339633272009-01-23T10:03:00.000-08:002009-01-23T10:04:23.748-08:00Brokeback Mountain - Deputy Edition<div style="text-align: justify; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; font-family: arial;" id="intelliTXT"><p><span>A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a <span style="border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(0, 128, 0); text-decoration: underline; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal;" class="IL_LINK_STYLE">mountain retreat</span><span>. Since <span style="border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(0, 128, 0); text-decoration: underline; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal;" class="IL_LINK_STYLE">police officers</span> are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.</span></span></p> <p>Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he’s got a well known reputation for <a href="http://www.tipstostopsnoring.com/basic-stop-snoring-tips-and-remedies/" title="Snoring Remedies">snoring</a> and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.</p> <p><span>The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, “Man, <span style="border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(0, 128, 0); text-decoration: underline; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal;" class="IL_LINK_STYLE">what happened</span> to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”</span></p> <p><span>The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. <span style="border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(0, 128, 0); text-decoration: underline; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal;" class="IL_LINK_STYLE">In the morning</span><span><span>, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, <span class="IL_SPAN"><input name="IL_MARKER" type="hidden">what happened</span> to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the </span><span style="border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(0, 128, 0); text-decoration: underline; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal;" class="IL_LINK_STYLE">roof</span> he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”</span></span></p> <p>The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.</p> <p><span><span>They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, <span class="IL_SPAN"><input name="IL_MARKER" type="hidden">what happened</span>?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat </span><span style="border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(0, 128, 0); text-decoration: underline; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal;" class="IL_LINK_STYLE">up all night</span> just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit, hehe.”</span></p></span></span></div>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-73219387614134517752009-01-23T10:01:00.001-08:002009-01-23T10:01:54.825-08:00Your Name In The Report<pre><span><span class="format">SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?<br />FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?<br />SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.<br /> </span></span></pre>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-55009166784468238012009-01-23T09:57:00.000-08:002010-08-07T08:25:17.078-07:00Tripod?<div style="text-align: justify;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">babies"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">fun too; you can really spread out!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" </span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">baby pictures.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">mother was so difficult to work with"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">a good look"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">um......equipment?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we </span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">can get to work."</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Tripod?????"</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">fainted!!"</span><br /></div><pre><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></pre></div>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-82839032495335802132009-01-23T09:56:00.001-08:002009-01-23T09:56:35.476-08:00Pregnant Wife<span class="introText">A man frantically speaks into </span> the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"<br /><br />"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.<br /><br />"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-27037534566823268362009-01-23T09:52:00.000-08:002009-01-23T09:55:58.903-08:00Sherlock HolmesSherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.<br />Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.<br /><br />"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."<br /><br />Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."<br /><br />"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.<br /><br />"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"<br /><br />Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-68741701012173073152008-11-10T09:30:00.000-08:002008-11-10T09:33:06.905-08:00Steal No Hats!<span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."<br /><br />Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"<br /><br />Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!" </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-58567346232742167302008-11-10T09:28:00.000-08:002008-11-10T09:30:03.920-08:00Out Of Gas<span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">A boy takes a girl out on a first date. He drives them to a remote and romantic spot outside the city, puts his arms around her and says: "what do you know, wer'e out of gas".<br />The girl then opens a purse and puts out a bottle. <br />"Cool, is this wine?" the boy asks.<br />"No", she answers, "It's gasoline".</span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-46709602840821670812008-11-10T09:26:00.000-08:002008-11-10T09:28:07.176-08:00Looking for Revange<span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."<br /><br />After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.<br /><br />He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.<br /><br />Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"</span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-63215938308704058682008-11-10T09:23:00.000-08:002008-11-10T09:24:18.853-08:00Like A Baby<p>A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.<br /></p><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;"><br />Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.<br /><br />"Don't worry, honey," he said. <br /><br />She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.<br /><br />As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby." <br /><br />"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!" </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-81972277649863520022008-11-10T09:21:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:21:27.918-08:00The Local Strip ClubBecause Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.<br /><br />The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''<br /><br />When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''<br /><br />Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.<br /><br />The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-61105786388480641242008-11-10T09:20:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:20:24.069-08:00Saxophone Jokes<span style="font-family:times new roman,helvetica;">Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?<br />A: It's all in the grip.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?<br />A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?<br />A: Vibrato.<br /><br /> Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?<br />A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.<br /><br />Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?<br />A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.<br /><br /> Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?<br />A: Add vibrato.<br /><br /> Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?<br />A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!<br /><br /> Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?<br />A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.</span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-62867404202166841302008-11-10T09:19:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:19:43.781-08:00Lurid Past<span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.<br /><br />"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"<br /><br />"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".<br /><br />Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.<br /><br />"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.." </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-50152998027326164632008-11-10T09:18:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:18:40.935-08:00Breakfast Arguement<span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.<br /><br />"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.<br /><br />By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"<br /><br />"I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-10480546508650537762008-11-10T09:17:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:17:47.799-08:00Picky Cannibals<span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.<br /><br />Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."<br /><br />Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."<br /><br />About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.<br /><br />The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."<br /><br />"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."<br /><br />"Why not?" asked the son.<br /><br />"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."</span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-79743496089402524812008-11-10T09:11:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:11:45.033-08:00Snails<div style="text-align: justify;"><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house. </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honor our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it". </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..." </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails. </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this backet of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting. </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">He starts running like crazy carrying the bocket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bocket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor. </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says: </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..."</span></div>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-52667291697158382252008-11-10T09:10:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:10:32.930-08:00Nude Gallery<p>A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.<br /></p><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" <br /><br />The husband replies, "Autumn." </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-57556213326981727972008-11-10T09:09:00.001-08:002008-11-10T09:09:57.428-08:00Banjo jokes<span style="font-family:times new roman,helvetica;">Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?<br />A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.<br /><br /> Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?<br />A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?<br />A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.<br /><br /> Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?<br />A: They make great anchors!<br /><br /> Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?<br />A: They make good paddles.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?<br />A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?<br />A: You can turn off a chainsaw.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?<br />A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?<br />A: You can tune a Harley.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?<br />A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.<br /><br /> Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?<br />A: Saves time.<br /><br /> Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?<br />A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.<br /><br /> Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?<br />A: By their names.<br /><br /> Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?<br />A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"<br /><br /> Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?<br />A: Will the defendant please rise.</span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-62739481014696255122008-11-10T09:08:00.000-08:002008-11-10T09:09:09.079-08:00Pickle Slicer<div style="text-align: justify;"><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer. </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. </span><br /><span serif="" style="font-family:Verdana,;font-size:85%;">“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband. </span></div>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4747704254750586964.post-64214542852082282722008-11-10T09:00:00.000-08:002008-11-10T09:07:15.636-08:00Accordion jokes<span style="font-family:times new roman,helvetica;">An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.<br /><br /> Q: What is the definition of an optimist?<br />A: An accordion player with a pager.<br /><br /> Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?<br />A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.<br /><br /> Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?<br />A: Their personalities.<br /><br /> Q: What's the range of an accordion?<br />A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!<br /><br /> Q: What's a gentleman?<br />A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.<br /><br /> Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?<br />A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.<br /><br /> Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?<br />A: Terrorists have sympathisers.<br /><br /> Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?<br />A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.<br /><br /> Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?<br />A: The accordion takes longer to burn.<br /><br /> Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?<br />A: Hide it in an accordion case.<br /><br /> Q: What's an accordion good for?<br />A: Learning how to fold a map.<br /><br /> Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?<br />A: A chainsaw can be tuned.<br /><br /> Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?<br />A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. </span>Diana Chewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953938325776588950noreply@blogger.com0