Whose Dog?

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No," was the reply.A few minutes later, the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly."That's not my dog," was the answer...

Beer Can

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Tissue

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?""Just rub toilet paper between them."Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?""I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Bar Jokes

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

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After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

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The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

The Broken Cup Holder

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
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Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
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Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
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Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
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Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
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Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
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Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
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At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. Previously, CD-ROM makers used to label the front of the CD-ROM drive with its speed (e.g. 2X, 4X, 8X). As drives became faster, this practice faded away.
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According to the lore, this came from a technical representative from Australia, where they have a beer called "4X".

Criminal Lawyers Award

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
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The lawyer sued...and won!
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In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
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Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
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NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
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After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

FBI

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

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Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

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Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

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Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

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Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

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Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

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Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

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Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

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Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

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Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

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Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

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Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

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Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

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Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

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Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

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Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

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Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

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Pizza Man: I don't think so.

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Click.

PCK

Phua Chu Kang was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.

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This is what he came up with......

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"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he runs away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 works. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don’t know what he 1".

Wrong Wife

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

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They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

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Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in thee-mail address.

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His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

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Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

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Dearest wife,

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Departed yesterday as you know.

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Just got checked in.

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Some confusion at the gate.

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Appeal was denied.

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Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

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Your loving husband.

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** P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Japanese Fish

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.

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To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

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So, how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan?

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If you were consulting the fish industry, what would you recommend? To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks..

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But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state.

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The fish are challenged.

Honest Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

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- a quart of 2% milk- a carton of eggs.

- a quart of orange juice.

- a head of romaine lettuce.

- a 2 lb. can of coffee.

- and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

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As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

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He said, You must be single."The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?".

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The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly!"

Stupid Questions With Smart Answers

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

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BOY : May I hold your hand?

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. .

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GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me...

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GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

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GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

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GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

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BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

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BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

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WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

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Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Pupil : "A teacher".

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Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

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My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

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Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"

Sam : "It's a family tradition".

Teacher : "What do you mean?"

Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".

Teacher : "What about your mother?"

Sam : "She's a woman".

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Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"

David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

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Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

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Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

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Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

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Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

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Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"

One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Come Home Early Honey

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

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"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."

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"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

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The neighbour replied, "His name is Bill."

Tuesday Story

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato plot, but it was very hard work. His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being held by the FBI for suspected aiding and abetting terrorists.

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The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

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Dear Abdul,

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I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a the plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would help to dig the land for me.

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Your Dad,

Mohammad.

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A few days later he received a letter from his son.

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Dear Dad,

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For heaven's sake, don't dig up that plot, that's where I buried the "powder" and weapons.

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Love,

Abdul.

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At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man and left.

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That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

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Dear Dad,

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I hope you can now go ahead and plant the potatoes. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

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Love,

Abdul

Missed Ferry

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

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So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

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He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

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"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two.

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The ferry is just about to dock."

Don't Work Too Hard

New York Times 1-22-03

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Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proofreader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. .

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He quietly passed away on Monday.But nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

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A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

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You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

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* Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

When Man and Wife Wants To Get A Divorce

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem.

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The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The man also wanted custody of his children.

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The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose chair and replied:"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine,and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

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Don't laugh, but the man won!

Burial For A Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?'"

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"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "I've buried him."The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

One day, Alex went in the clicnic and spoke with the nurse

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Alex: Nurse, Nurse, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

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Nurse: Yes, sir it does.

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Alex: Here take this apple and give it to the doctor.

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Nurse: why sir?

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Alex: I just broke the doctor's window so please don't tell him.

The Butler

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to abanquet, so they decided to give Jeeves, their butler,the night off.

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An hour later, the wife found thebanquet to be quite boring so she left while her husband was still conversing with some of his friends.When she got home, she saw Jeeves sitting at the dining room table alone.

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She took him up to the masterbedroom, and locked the door. ''Jeeves, take off my hat,'' she said, which Jeeves promptly did. Next she told him to take off her jewelry and gloves, and he did. ''Jeeves, take off my dress,'' she ordered, and he did what he was told.

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''Jeeves,'' she started, ''I never want to see you wearing my clothes again, or you're fired.''

Cardiac specialists

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

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When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

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Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

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I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

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"I'm a gynecologist !"