PCK

Phua Chu Kang was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.

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This is what he came up with......

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"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he runs away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 works. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don’t know what he 1".

Wrong Wife

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

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They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

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Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in thee-mail address.

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His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

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Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

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Dearest wife,

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Departed yesterday as you know.

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Just got checked in.

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Some confusion at the gate.

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Appeal was denied.

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Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

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Your loving husband.

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** P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Japanese Fish

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.

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To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

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So, how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan?

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If you were consulting the fish industry, what would you recommend? To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks..

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But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state.

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The fish are challenged.

Honest Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

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- a quart of 2% milk- a carton of eggs.

- a quart of orange juice.

- a head of romaine lettuce.

- a 2 lb. can of coffee.

- and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

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As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

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He said, You must be single."The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?".

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The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly!"

Stupid Questions With Smart Answers

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

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BOY : May I hold your hand?

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. .

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GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me...

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GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

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GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

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GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

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BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

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BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

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WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

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Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Pupil : "A teacher".

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Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

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My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

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Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"

Sam : "It's a family tradition".

Teacher : "What do you mean?"

Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".

Teacher : "What about your mother?"

Sam : "She's a woman".

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Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"

David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

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Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

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Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

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Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

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Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

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Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"

One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Come Home Early Honey

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

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"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."

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"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

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The neighbour replied, "His name is Bill."

Tuesday Story

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato plot, but it was very hard work. His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being held by the FBI for suspected aiding and abetting terrorists.

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The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

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Dear Abdul,

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I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a the plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would help to dig the land for me.

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Your Dad,

Mohammad.

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A few days later he received a letter from his son.

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Dear Dad,

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For heaven's sake, don't dig up that plot, that's where I buried the "powder" and weapons.

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Love,

Abdul.

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At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man and left.

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That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

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Dear Dad,

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I hope you can now go ahead and plant the potatoes. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

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Love,

Abdul

Missed Ferry

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

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So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

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He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

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"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two.

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The ferry is just about to dock."

Don't Work Too Hard

New York Times 1-22-03

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Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proofreader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. .

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He quietly passed away on Monday.But nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

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A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

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You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

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* Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

When Man and Wife Wants To Get A Divorce

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem.

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The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The man also wanted custody of his children.

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The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose chair and replied:"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine,and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

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Don't laugh, but the man won!

Burial For A Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?'"

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"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "I've buried him."The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

One day, Alex went in the clicnic and spoke with the nurse

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Alex: Nurse, Nurse, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

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Nurse: Yes, sir it does.

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Alex: Here take this apple and give it to the doctor.

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Nurse: why sir?

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Alex: I just broke the doctor's window so please don't tell him.

The Butler

A wealthy wife and husband were leaving to go to abanquet, so they decided to give Jeeves, their butler,the night off.

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An hour later, the wife found thebanquet to be quite boring so she left while her husband was still conversing with some of his friends.When she got home, she saw Jeeves sitting at the dining room table alone.

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She took him up to the masterbedroom, and locked the door. ''Jeeves, take off my hat,'' she said, which Jeeves promptly did. Next she told him to take off her jewelry and gloves, and he did. ''Jeeves, take off my dress,'' she ordered, and he did what he was told.

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''Jeeves,'' she started, ''I never want to see you wearing my clothes again, or you're fired.''

Cardiac specialists

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

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When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

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Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

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I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

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"I'm a gynecologist !"

Talking Centipede

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."

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The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50.

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Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

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On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

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An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing.

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Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

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An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"

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The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Good Luck

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

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Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.

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He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

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His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"

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He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

Mother of six, Father of Four???

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself that he starts callinghis wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.

The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready,

Father of Four!"

Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?" Joey says, "To your house!"

The Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come overFriday night and have dinner with herparents. Since this is such a bigevent, the girl announces to herboyfriend that after dinner, she wouldlike to go out and make love for thefirst time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he hasnever had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boyfor about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know aboutcondoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asksthe boy how many condoms he'd like tobuy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or familypack. The boy insists on the familypack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first timeand all.

That night, the boy shows up at thegirl's parents house and meets hisgirlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come on in!"The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quicklyoffers to say grace and bows his head.A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with hishead down, the girlfriend leans overand whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."The boy turns, and whispers back, "Ihad no idea your father was apharmacist."

Name

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."