Picky Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Snails

A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.
Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honor our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".
The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."
So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails.
On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this backet of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.
He starts running like crazy carrying the bocket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bocket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.
When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:
"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..."

Nude Gallery

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

Banjo jokes

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.

Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!

Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can turn off a chainsaw.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.

Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Pickle Slicer

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

Accordion jokes

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.

Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.

Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Smell Of A Brothel

One afternoon, a Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves and both of their barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me. My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

French horn jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.

Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."

Viagra For The Elderly

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm Getting a tetanus shot."

The Shoe

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"