Peas Fighting!!!

Q: What do you get when two peas fight?

A: Black-eyed peas!

Cannibal

Q: What does a cannibal call a phone book?

A: A menu!

Up

Q: What goes up and never comes down?

A: Your age!

Tail and Head

Q: What has a tail and a head but no body?

A: A coin!

Pink Car

Q: If a whole nation drove pink cars, what would it be?

A: A Pink Car-Nation!

Musical Bone

Q: What's the most musical bone?

A: The trom-bone!

Mr.Bartender

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"

Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

Jigsaw Puzzle

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".

Time Difference

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?"

Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."

Ah Beng : "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

Phone CallS

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah"

"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But .. what happened to the other ear ?"

Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

Help

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.

When he encountered some problems.

He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries.

Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come
and help me Lah ?!"

911

Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

Say Cheese!!!

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

Photocopy

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Thermos Flask

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.


Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask.


Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do ?"

Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Boss : "What do you have in it !?"

Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

Job Application

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.

He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age,Address etc.

Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question.

After much thought, he writes " Yes "

TV Set

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set.

He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

Movie

AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean.

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

Great Strength!

Fireman John rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown.

He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.As they arrived safely, a wash of gratitude rushed over her.

She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

Serious Thought.

A young guy and girlfriend were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's about time for a kiss."


The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.


After a while the girl spoke again."Another penny for your thoughts, honey."The young man knit his brow.


"Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."


"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.


"Don't you think it's about time you pay me that first penny?", said the guy.

Damn Fish!

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"

The Landlord

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses."Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.""How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Soft Drinks

Banta had always ordered a beverage by simply saying, "A Coke, please."

However, recently waitresses had been responding, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Thums Up, Dew, Sprite, Fanta... "

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, Banta decided to make life easier.

So one day he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "Dark, Carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter looked up and said, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

The Little Sister

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

Two Words At Classroom

The kndergarten female teacher asks the students to find two words. Just two English words. There is this little boy which cannot speak a word of English. So he went home worried. On his way home he saw a husband fighting with his wife. the husband screamed "Shut up!". Then the little boy thought that as an English word and memorized it. Then he saw a wealthy man taking his girlfriend out for lunch. before gettin in the car, the wealthy man said "Ladies first". The next day he went back to his classroom. the teacher asked him to go to the front and say out loud his English words. So the little boy shouted "SHUT UP" the teacher was so shocked she said to the boy "Get out of the classroom" Then the little boy answered "Ladies First".

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

First Date

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, "Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot." The father explained, "No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman." So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said. Furious, the mother shouted, "Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!"

Poor Pirate

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?" The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg." Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she got the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight ?/font> ?b> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Kids Today

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy, what is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms. Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade." Ms. Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms. Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms. Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy: Nose

Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy: Firetruck

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand. Boy: Fork

Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy: SURNAME

Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Helping The Drunk

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. he's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Worm Test

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Bilingual Lawyer

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Lemon Squeezer

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the Income tax Dept."

"I wanna see the manager"

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly caressing his face with both hands. "Actually, I'm not," says the man. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck and nip at them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers sliding in and out of his mouth. "Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room...

English Prisoner

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing." The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time." "Ya, that will be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before." The German replies, " ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!."

Women

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!" Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them! Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Lessons

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff, and he Was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm." *MORAL OF THE STORY IS: " ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*

Wrong Number

"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul " After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul" "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now" Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway" "Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead!" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486 -5**1??

Cyanide Request

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not-you cannot have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Showing Gratitute

A patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

Eating Dogs

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

A Night In Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Mozart On The Bus

A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant.lovely.oh, a fine fellow... a genius, Mozart was." The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.20 bus going to Erdington." There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now." In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You're really mad about something aren't you?" "How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.20 bus to Erdington, huh? Everybody knows that the No.20 Bus doesn't go to Erdington!"

Lost

Ace and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Ace turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Ace, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Acie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Ace grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Ace answers, "They'll find us!"

Unhappy Pharmacist

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return. Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said: "Your house."

Cough Treatment.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Smart Investment

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."

No Pork!!!